Another voice said, "Yes, I completely agree with you. Teenager those day are to wild and doesn't think about their action at all." Beep, the strange metal clattering sound again.
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The noisy metal work work me up abruptly. "Where am i?' I thought to myself as I swiftly check my surrounding. 'A hospital room? Weird, and my head hurts' In this moment, a tall lady wearing a purple dress and a red ring approach me.
"Well well, look who is finally awake after sleeping for an week. Mr. [give him a name, i will edit and give him a name later], I hope you realize that you are an very special customer to us. Please don't go dieing off like that. It will cause us trouble since our contract is not complete yet."
*To be continue*
You said you were trying to describe a scene in which the kid wakes up disoriented in the hospital. I think there are good elements here, but if I were you I would change the order of some stuff. To get more of a sense of the character "waking up," I think it would be better to postpone the lines of dialogue from the doctors/nurses...focus in the beginning more on the clanging sounds, lights, and other strange unrecognizable stuff BEFORE the dialogue comes in. If the other characters start speaking too soon, it feels like you're giving away what's going on without leaving much suspense or intrigue for the reader to wonder, "What's going on? Where is he?" This is a small suggestion but I think it could make a big difference. Hope you will try it and see what you think!
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